Legolas, Cheeto's, Black Plague and DWARVEN SPIES
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: Winner of the Inter-Realm Parody Contest over at CoE. A parody of Legolas's part at the Council of Elrond. Slight Leggy-bashing does occur. (And you knew it would)


It was a challenge. A challenge I could not resist: a parody writing challenge from www.councilofelrond.com. The realm of Aule needed me, and I responded to that need. Anyway. This is the winner of the Inter-realm Parody Contest. :) I hope you find something in it that you can enjoy.  
  
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'Alas! alas!' cried Legolas, and in distress he flailed his arms and cast himself about, tipping people out of their chairs and ripping leaves off the trees and rubbing them in his hair, as is the manner of elves. Fortunately he was stopped before he could perform the traditional act of penance, which was to blow his nose in his sleeves and rub them in the faces of all he had wronged. 'The tidings that I was sent to bring must now be told. They are not good, nor are they a bit enheartening, but only here have I learned how evil they may seem to this company. Oh, evil evil news! Such doom will come of this!'  
  
'Doom?' said Elrond perking up.  
  
'Yes, deadly doom, and destruction, and...'  
  
'Will you just get on with it?' snapped Gandalf, standing up out of his chair and waving his staff menacingly at the elf.  
  
Legolas squeaked most mouse-like. 'Smeagol, who is now called Gollum, has escaped.'  
  
He was met with silence. Uncomfortably, the members of the council glanced at each other. Finally, Elrond nudged Aragorn.  
  
'What?' he said through a mouth full of Cheet-o's, which he had been munching loudly. Many gathered rolled their eyes back into their heads.  
  
'Oh,' muttered the man, wiping his orange mouth off on his sleeve. 'Right, my line. Escaped, you say? That is ill news indeed. Iller than I've heard in my lifetime, and I'm older than I look. In fact, it's so ill, it could be counted fatally ill. I'd know, even though I am not counted young even in the reckoning of the Men of Ancient Tumble-down Houses. How the heck did that creep get away?'  
  
'Not through lack of watchfulness,' said Legolas; 'but perhaps through over-blindness. Wait, I did not say that! Over-kindliness, over-kindliness! Anyway. We fear that the prisoner had aid from others, and...'  
  
'I object!' bellowed Gimli. The Council stared at him.  
  
'What do you object to, Gimli son of Gloin?' said Elrond, with more anger in his voice than he cared to show.   
  
'His tone and that stray glance at us, that's what I'm objecting to! That poncy elf has had it in for us dwarves ever since Pop escaped from his Daddy's nasty old dungeons and Bilbo found out all about his little "habit"! Though how he found out shall maybe be addressed later.'  
  
'I do NOT have a habit of trying on women's dresses! It's a lie!' cried Legolas, and in his bright red face there was distress.  
  
'You try on women's dresses?' tittered Bilbo elbowing Frodo in the side.   
  
'NO!' shrieked the elf. 'That's not what I meant!'  
  
'Ow,' said Frodo.  
  
'I was thinking of your little cow-tipping fetish, but old Bilbo may seen your brother Lardolas instead,' mused Gloin.  
  
'My brother doesn't tip cows,' said Legolas in confusion. 'I'm the cow-tipper in the family...oops. And anyway, you couldn't mistake me for Lardolas. You must be mixing him up with the cow.' He laughed merrily.  
  
'Ha ha ha!' laughed Bilbo. 'What a typical elf!'  
  
'Can we get back on subject?' spake Elrond.  
  
'Sure,' said Legolas, who was more than happy to do so. 'We fear that the prisoner had aid from others, and that more is known of out doings that we could wish. That means,' he glared at Gimli and Gloin, 'That we are being SPIED on.' Gloin lifted his axe, and things would have gone ill with Legolas's neck had not Boromir stuck out his foot and tripped the dwarf. Gimli immediately roared and threw himself at the Gondorman and soon the entire council was in turmoil. And it would have gone on so for some time, until all were dead, if Gandalf had not hurled himself bodily into the fray.  
  
'Now now!' he hollered bringing his staff to bear and whomping several people over the head soundly. 'Let us forget our old grievances, if only for a few hours so that we may decide what to do with the fate of the entire free world! Now Gloin, Legolas, I want you to shake hands and apologize.'  
  
'I don't wanna,' whined Gloin. 'You always were trying to make people do things they didn't want to do, Gandalf the Grey!'  
  
Gandalf stuck out his bushy eyebrows at him until he was quite cowed.  
  
'Oh, fine,' muttered the Dwarf holding out his hand to the elf. Legolas took it as if it were a dead thing, and they both shook hands.  
  
'There!' said Gandalf smiling. 'Now isn't that better?'  
  
Legolas sniffed, and now nursing a black eye, continued with his story.  
  
'We guarded this creature day and night, at Gandalf's bidding, even though he's a cruel taskmaster and often asks us to do things that are rediculously hard. But Gandalf bade us hope still for his cure, and we had not the heart to keep him ever in dungeons under the earth, where he would fall ill with the Black Plague.'  
  
'Black Plague?' bellowed Gloin. 'I KNEW it!'  
  
'I'm confused,' said Frodo. 'If Legolas was out tipping cows, why should he care about Gollum?'  
  
Gandalf harumph-ed severely and shook his head at the hobbit, but the hobbit continued anyway.  
  
'Why do elves have it so easy, anyway? They're so idle they have nothing better to do than to go tip cows while the rest of Middle-earth slaves away? I'm GLAD the stupid elves are fading! Maybe then some people can live in PEACE and QUIET and GOOD TILLED EARTH!'  
  
Gandalf buried his head in his hands, but Aragorn threw a Cheet-o at the hobbit and conked him out.  
  
Legolas continued, albeit very tight-lipped. 'In the days of fair weather we led Gollum through the woods; and there was a high tree standing alone far from the others which he liked to climb. Often we let him mount up to the highest branchs, until he felt the free wind; but we set a guard at the tree's foot...'  
  
The council sighed as the elf went into a flashback.   
  
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In a great hall with pillars hewn out of the living stone sat the Elvenking on a chair of carven wood. On his head was a crown of berries and red leaves, for the autumn was come again. The prisoners were brought before him; and though he looked grimly at them, he told his men to unbind them, for they were ragged and weary. 'Besides they need no ropes in here,' said he. 'There is no escape from my magic doors for those who are once brought inside.'  
  
Another elf rushed into the chamber from stage left and rushed up to the king, and in a loud voice cried: 'Daddy! Lardolas pushed me!' and then the elf caught sight of the poor bedraggled Dwarves.  
  
'Oh look,' he sniggered. 'If it isn't Paddy O'Furniture and his merry troupe of Fools! Can you folks dance?'  
  
The Dwarves mumbled nervously among themselves.  
  
'C'mon pansies, dance dance!' cried the elf.  
  
'Legolas,' said the Elvenking with a warning tone.   
  
'Aw, Daddy, can't I trouble the Dwarves? Can I please, please, huh?' cried Legolas picking Balin up and eyeing him.  
  
'Oh, I suppose, but don't kill them. I may want them for some amusement later.'  
  
'Goody!' cried Legolas. 'C'mon little Dwarvies, let's go to my room! We can play dress-up, and bake cookies, and...'  
  
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'AARRGHH!!' Gloin screamed hefting his axe once again.   
  
'Oops, wrong flashback,' muttered Legolas.   
  
'I knew you looked familiar!' bellowed Gloin. 'Well do I remember your torture in the Pit! The endless silly voices, tea parties, and stuffed animals!'  
  
'Now now, Gloin, you must remember, I was a very young elfling back then...'  
  
Gloin and Gimli had to be forcibly tied to their chairs with very strong ropes, else they would have gone on a bloody rampage that would have been the marvel of many an army.  
  
'I'd watch your back from now on,' advised the Wizard in a low voice to the elf after strengthening the ropes with a bit of magic. Legolas smiled wanly and went into another flashback.  
  
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'Say, Elglorion, got any threes?' said Halbaradir, who was sitting at the foot of a very high tree.  
  
'Go fish,' said Elglorion.  
  
'Fissshes they has, gollum? But no fishes for Smeagol, O no Precious!'  
  
'No, for the last time, we don't have any fish! This is only a game.'  
  
'Oh, gollum! Has they any nice sixesssss for poor poor Smeagol? Gollum!'  
  
A dark form rushed up. 'Arr!'  
  
'For the last time, no we have no rum!' sighed Halbaradir rolling his eyes. 'Just go away, okay?'  
  
'Arr...rum? Who needs rum, Poochikins? Arrrrr!!' A great host of terrible, dark shapes rounds the hill.  
  
'Uh, Halbaradir? That's no pirate!' Elglorion is shaking in his light shoes.  
  
'It isn't?' he said, fearing to look back.  
  
'It's...it's...it's...' Halbaradir gets the gumption to look behind him, and sees...  
  
'PERVY ELF FANCIERS!' the two speed off at the speed of sound.  
  
'About timessss it is, Precious! Thought the PEF's would never get here, no!' muttered Smeagol climbing headfirst out of the branches.  
  
Meanwhile, in another dell...  
  
'Stupid corset, no man can...'   
  
'Lord Legolas! Lord Leg-what are you doing, my lord?'  
  
'Nothing!' shrieked Legolas hiding a brightly colored swath of cloth behind his back. 'Elglorion, Halbaradir, why have you left your post? We don't want Dwarves coming up and stealing the wretch, you know!'  
  
'My lord, the Pervy Elf Fanciers have come! We all have to escape back into the halls before they find us!'  
  
'Too late! AAARGH!'  
  
'It was that very night of summer, yet moonless and starless, that PEF's came on us at unawares. We drove them off after some time; they were many and fierce, but they came from over the mountains, and were unused to the woods. When the battle was over, and we came out of hiding, we found that Gollum was gone, and his poor guards were taken. I fear that we shall never see Elglorion or Halbaradir again. It then seemed plain to us that the attack had been made for Gollum's rescue, and that he knew of it beforehand. How that was contrived we cannot guess; but he is cunning, and the spies of the Enemy are many.'  
  
'That is IT!' roared Gloin wriggling frantically. 'You are SO DEAD when I get free! Who's with me?'  
  
'You have my Cheet-o's!' cried Aragorn rising from his seat and waving his bag around.  
  
'And you have my staff,' sighed Gandalf.  
  
'You have my Ring!' cried Frodo.  
  
'Hey!' came a voice, and a bush stumbled its way to stand beside the halfling. 'Mr. Frodo's not killin' anyone without me!' it said.  
  
'Sam?' whispered Frodo.  
  
'Don't worry, it's me, Mr. Frodo. After all, I made a Promise not to lose you, and Sam Gamgee ain't the kind of one to break a promise!'  
  
'We're with you too!' cried two voices, and Merry and Pippin rushed in from the archway. 'Why don't we tie him in a sack and throw him in the river?'  
  
Legolas whimpered.  
  
'So be it!' said Elrond. 'And you shall be "The Fellowship of the Assassins!"'  
  
The end. 


End file.
